


The Magic Number

by lesbianoodle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, F/F, First Dates, M/M, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, POV Alternating, Therapy Group - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 20:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7189787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianoodle/pseuds/lesbianoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You press the button for floor twelve and go back to tugging on your parka. One, two, three, four, five. Breathe. One, two, three, four, five. Breathe. One, two, three, four, five. Breathe. If anybody notices, nobody comments. </p>
<p>"How was your week?" The new girl asks you.</p>
<p>You shrug because it's always the same. "Fine." </p>
<p>"Do anything cool?" </p>
<p>She doesn't know. She doesn't know. She doesn't know. She doesn't know. She doesn't know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nepeta

**Author's Note:**

> Based entirely on research, written originally for a class, everybody is OOC. Enjoy!

"Hey, hold the door-!" A girl ducks under your arm, which you're using to stop the elevator door from closing, and slips into the elevator behind you, "Thanks. Didn't want to be late on the first day, you know?"

Now, that's the kind of punctuality you can appreciate.

"Hey, NP." To your surprise, Sollux slips in right behind her and stands beside the girl. Stands beside her the way you do a very close friend or a sibling, almost leaning against her. He looks more chill than you've seen him in a while. You wonder what meds they've got him hooked on.

"Hey, Pawllux." You smile at him, "Who's your furriend?"

"Oh, this is TZ." He points at her with his thumb, "She's joining our group."

"Hi." The girl offers a small wave, "It's nice to meet you."

"Yeah..."

But you should go back a little.

Your name is Nepeta Leijon and you are fifteen years old. You live with your Mom and your older sister in a sweet little house on the edge of town, where you spend most of your time. You have obsessive compulsive disorder and have been attending a therapy group to deal with it for as long as you can remember. Attending this group is the only time you leave the house.

Today is a Wednesday, which means group.

More importantly, there's a girl standing in close proximity in the elevator and you can't stop smiling at your sneakers because of it. She's very... Pretty wouldn't be the right word. Pretty seems too soft for this girl. Attractive, perhaps. She's dark-skinned, dressed in bright red and turquoise, with a mess of curls tamed into a knot on top of her head. She's dressed for the summer and you can see her broad shoulders and long legs. Your face turns hot.

"Can you get the elevator button?" The new girl asks you, because you're the closest. Secretly, you wonder if it's because she doesn't want to touch them. The thing is about all your friends existing within an OCD help group is that you're always wondering if they're just asking for convenience or because they're afraid.

You press the button for floor twelve and go back to tugging on your parka. One, two, three, four, five. Breathe. One, two, three, four, five. Breathe. One, two, three, four, five. Breathe. If anybody notices, nobody comments. You're always nervous outside the house.

"How was your week?" The new girl asks you.

You shrug because it's always the same. "Fine."

"Do anything cool?"

She doesn't know. She doesn't know. She doesn't know. She doesn't know. She doesn't know.

You shake your head and continue staring at your sneakers. They're brand new, you took them out of the box this morning. Ever since the whole incident happened... You burnt all your clothes and threw out all your shoes, trying to shake the event from your life. It didn't matter what you did. You couldn't shake it. Since then, you've worn the same outfit every day. You wash it at night. 

Like Einstein, you tell yourself, but well... He was mad too, wasn't he?

You can't wash shoes, so you just buy new ones.

"My sister took me to the skate park and I tried out some rad tricks." The new girl, TZ, continues, "Sollux here came too but he's no fun. He just watched."

Except she uses his real name. You don't do that here. She clearly doesn't know anything about group because she's already made two mistakes.

1\. Everybody here goes under a false name to remain anonymous. Your name isn't really Nepeta's, that's just what you made up. Your therapist said a sense of anonymity would really help everybody talk about their fears. You call yourself Nepeta, you call Sollux... Well, Sollux. The new girl clearly doesn't know this.

2\. Nobody makes conversation in the elevator.

That's why you don't respond and exchange pointed looks with Sollux, as the girl babbles about all the rad tricks that she learned. The elevator reaches your floor and you step out, putting one hand to the wall as you walk down the corridor, until you reach the room. The door is unlocked, so the germaphobes don't have to touch the doorknob.

"Wow, so this is the place?" The girl from the elevator is loud, embarrassing, and gripping Sollux's arm, "Neat."

You take your regular seat, nearest the window, and cross your ankles. It's the same circle of people that there is every week with one extra chair for the new girl to sit in. Eight people in group now. You and several other people shiver at the even number.

As usual, Dirk and Sollux settle on either side of you and you slip down a little further in your chair. You sneakers scuff against the floor and there's a squeak, which makes you flinch. You hope you haven't marked your sneakers in any way.

"Hello, everybody." Mr "Don't call me Kankri" Vantas takes his seat next to Dirk and flips the page on his notebook, "It's nice to see everybody again. And to see a new face."

"Oh, yes, it's great that we're all stuck here." Dirk mutters.

You smother your smile, glancing at him. He catches your eye and winks. Though you wouldn't say you were close friends with Dirk, you're definitely acquaintances. He's very funny.

The girl introduces herself as Terezi. You aren't sure if that's her real name or if she caught onto the idea that she wasn't meant to use her real name. You're curious. She sits and taps her left foot, whether consciously or subconsciously you aren't sure, and repeats what she told you in the elevator about her week. Then, she adds that she has obsessive compulsive disorder. You'd kinda figured that one out. She falls quiet, rubbing her eyes. Well, it is hay fever season.

After that, it's the usual. Everybody takes it in turns to speak. You're penultimate because you're sat next to Dirk, who's sat next to Kankri. You listen patiently to everybody else but it's not long before you zone out and start looking out of the window. There's a reason you like this seat after all. When it gets to your turn, Dirk coughs to get your attention. All the germaphobes in the room tense up automatically.

"I had a good week." You say.

"Did you go anywhere?" Kankri asks, looking up from his notepad.

"My mom took me to the supermarket with her." You tell him, "It only took me ten minutes to get through the door."

Ten minutes of counting and rituals, sharp breaths, and several tears. But you did it.

"That's great, Nepeta." Kankri smiles at you.

Then, it's Dirk's turn. You're about to lower your eyes again, when you make eye contact with Terezi, who is staring at you. You think. Though, it's a little hard to make out where her gaze is fixated through her thick red lenses. But her head is definitely turned towards you and her eyebrows are furrowed, as if she's trying to figure you out. You stare back at her, wondering how she can see at all through those glasses, then you realise that she must have very poor eyesight. That must be why Sollux had to guide her to her seat.

You lean forward curiously.

Terezi lowers her glasses and winks at you. It's so fast that you swear you imagined it but you catch her grinning and realise that it was sincere. A _girl_ just winked at _you_. You're buzzing for the rest of group.

Afterwards, everybody files out and you return to the elevator. Once again, Sollux and Terezi, amongst others, slip in beside you and stand there waiting. You press the button for the bottom floor and Terezi nudges you in the ribs with her elbow.

"So, how come we never hung out before?" Terezi asks, "Sollux never even mentioned that he had a cute friend at his therapy group."

You shrug, hoping your face isn't as red as it feels. "We aren't really furiends. Outside of group. We just sit next to each othfur and sometimes, talk afterwards."

"Dude, that's lame. We should all hang out sometime. We could catch a movie."

_I can't_ , you think.

She smiles at you so earnestly that you nod, dumbly. "Cool. Give me your phone, I'll put my number in."

You dig through your pocket, retrieving your phone, and slap it into her hand. She grins at you, so maybe you're a little too eager. She seems to have a good handle on how to use the keyboard, despite her poor eyesight, and enters her phone number quickly. Aside from your Mom, your sister and 911, Terezi is the only number you have. She's written it under Terezi too and again, you wonder if it's her real name or one that she made up for the sake of group.

"I'll call you." She says.

As the elevator doors slide open, you dart out into the lobby, intending to race to your mom's car and leap into the backseat before your anxiety can cripple you. Instead, Sollux catches you by the arm and waggles his eyebrows at you.

"Looks like somebody's got a date."

"You're coming too, dumbass." You tell him, but you secretly hope he's right.


	2. Sollux

You turn the corner onto your street and you see him, leaning against a wall with the cigarettes he doesn't know how to smoke, acting like he is somebody. Briefly, you consider crossing the street and walking on the other side, but he'd probably follow you. Despite his "I'm an artistic loner" act, you're pretty sure Eridan Ampora would follow other people to the ends of the Earth. And he loves to hassle you.

By now, he's seen you coming anyway and flicked away the cigarette that he was never planning to light, leaving it on the sidewalk. For all his talk about litter ruining the planet, especially the ocean, he's pretty full of shit. There's a smirk on his face as he strides towards you. It's definitely too late to avoid him now, you better stand your ground. You come to a halt, waiting for him to walk to you, and try to look taller. It doesn't work. 

"Captor." Ampora sneers at you. 

By the way, you should note that you're Sollux Captor. You don't know why you would have forgotten this, unless you had a minor concussion from falling down a flight of stairs, but it's worth reminding yourself anyway. Just for shits and giggles. 

"The mystery of wwhere you go on a Wwednesday afternoons continues." He looks down at you because he's about a foot taller. You blame genetics, personally, because his father is a towering giant that sneers at everybody and Eridan is a spitting image. And yes, he really does talk like that. You'd think that the wobble in his voice would make him a target but he's rich and white and tall and you're neither, so he gets to pick on you. You wonder what bullshit his father spouts at home that encourages him to behave like this. 

"Mhm." You don't talk much. Not because you're stupid but because you don't think anybody actually cares what you have to say. You're probably right. 

"One day, I'm gonna find out." Eridan insists. 

You're not so sure about that. You tend to walk an exceptionally long way back from group, so that you can touch as many lampposts as possible. You like to tap each one twice, in the same way that you like to touch light switches twice, and sometimes you miscount and have to walk the entire length of town again. You've started to leave an hour early for school just so that you can fit everything in before class starts. 

Anyway, it would be almost impossible for Eridan to trace you. 

"Can I go home now? Is the interrogation over?" You ask, irritated. 

He's still standing in your way. "For noww, Captor." 

He steps aside and you mutter under your breath as you brush past him: "You're so fucking weird, Ampora." 

"Maybe I just wwanna knoww about you." You swear you hear him respond. But when you turn around to glance at him, he's stalking up the sidewalk away from you with his arms firmly crossed. Getting to see Ampora sulking like a child is always a highlight of your day- it's always nice to see that stupid rich boy put in his place. Maybe it makes you a crappy person to think that but you don't give a fuck. He's probably thought worse of you.

When you enter your house, you step over a defeated Mituna clutching his skateboard, lying on the carpet, and raise a hand in a sort of half-wave as way of greeting. You normally just go straight up to your room and shut yourself in until it's time for dinner. But today, your dad waves you over with urgency that intends he has something important to tell you. He's holding the old landline phone that your family still uses- probably the only people this side of the century that use one- in one hand, as if he just finished a call.

"Terezi called." He tells you. Though, he doesn't call her Terezi. He calls her by her actual name. "She wanted to tell you that you're coming to her house tomorrow afternoon to go to the movies. She needs you to drive."

"I don't drive." You mumble. 

"Sollux." Your dad gives you a pointed look, as if to say _we've been over this a million times_. Your dad took you out and taught you how to drive a stick-shift the very second you turned sixteen. He's always in favour of family bonding and he always likes to shove in your face how much fun you had that afternoon. 

You cross your arms. "Fine, I'll rephrase: I don't want to drive." 

"Sollux, your blind friend needs you to drive her to the movies." Your dad says, "Do it, please." 

He looks at you in a _your family and friends have been so supporting, can you give something back, please, we've been trying so hard_ kind of way that every parent of a messed up kid will perfect and you crumble. You mutter that you'll pick her up after school and turn to retreat to your bedroom, your sanctuary. 

"Sol..." Your dad says, so that you turn around again, "You want to talk about group?"

"What about it?" There is nothing to say. "It's a regular pity party." 

"Was Terezi okay?" Ever since she started coming over a few years ago, your parents decided that they were basically going to adopt her. She's in all the family photo albums, grinning at your side like the world bowed to her. Like she was your sister. "She's been having a hard time of it lately with her Mom..." 

Terezi's Mom... Isn't your story to tell. 

"She was fine. I think she was hitting on Nepeta." 

"Who?" Your dad looks curious, "Is that one of your friends?" 

"Jeez, Dad, she's just the girl that sits next to me. I barely even know her." That's a lie; you know intricate details of the lives of everybody that attends your group, "Can I go now?" 

Your dad looks as if he wants to ask follow-up questions, (you barely ever talk about what's going on in your life, so he always pounces on any information he can get), but he shrugs and sighs. He lets you go and you finally escape to your room. 

You are proof that the OCD stereotype is bullshit because your room looks as if it was hit by a tornado. Everything is covered in a thin layer of filth, there's dirty clothes up to your ears, and some of the old takeout containers are starting to smell a little. But you ignore it all and rush to your computer, eager to shut out the world. Because when you're deep, deep into a video game or a site, it's hard for your anxieties to creep up on you. And you can ignore the fact that you don't seem to be getting any better or worse, just hovering in purgatory. And you can push away all thoughts of Eridan that plague your mind. 

That guy might piss you off like nobody else but that doesn't stop your hormones from being all over the fucking shop. 

You know this because the next day, when you're on your way to school, Eridan decides to pounce on you again. He's started hanging around your front gate, acting all casual, but following you to school like some kind of dog. When you close the gate behind you, he's instantly towering over you and ready to scoff at you. At your lack of height, at your slight lisp, at your ragged clothes, at your messenger bag. At your glasses. 

Even though he can wear his hipster glasses and act proud, he somehow has the right to mock your glasses like you're an idiot for wearing boring oval frames. 

"Hey, Sol." He greets you, the next morning, running a hand through his hair so that you'll notice that he's dyed a purple streak into his hair. 

You snicker.

"Wwhat?" He demands. 

"You look like an asshat." You tell him. He turns bright red and tries to shove you into the road. Him being so much taller than you means that you stumble but you manage to regain your balance, bumping shoulders with him. Or bumping your shoulder hard against his elbow. It's possibly the most human contact you've had with anyone outside your family. 

"Mornin'." Eridan smirks. 

"Shut up." You say and he mocks your lisp, pulling a face. 

"So, wwhere you goin'?" He asks, like an idiot.

"School, dumbass." Your way of speaking is not kind to your lisp, "Where do you think?" 

"I meant, after school. Tez came by an' asked if you wwere still goin' to pick her up later. So, wwhere you takin' her? Out on a date?" Eridan looks curious, studying you as if you were a mildly interesting painting. You have no idea why. Maybe he wants to take the piss out of you for hanging out with a girl at the movies. Seems like good material for him. Stereotypical, _"ooh, you like Terezi, you like Terezi"_ , bullshit. Jokes on him. You're gay as shit.

"I'm just hanging out with my friends, what's the problem?" You raise an eyebrow. 

"I just wwasn't awware you had friends." Eridan sneers. 

"No shit. Do you see me hanging around somebody's house just because I have no friends of my own?" 

He huffs at you for the rest of the day- or, at least, every time you bump into him. 

After school, you borrow Psii's- that's your other dad- car and drive over to pick up Terezi. She's waiting on the curb, bouncing up and down on the toes of her sneakers, her hair loose around her face. Her rimmed glasses are pushed on top of her head. She climbs into the passenger seat and scratches her eyes consciously, before pushing her glasses back down into place. She puts her feet up on the dashboard. 

"So, did you and your boyfriend fall out again?" Terezi asks, her lip curling. 

You shoot her a scowl.

"The two of you were glowering at each other all day. Vriska told me so." She cackles, "What got between you two ladies this time?"

"Don't be a dumbass." You tell her, "And don't distract the driver." 

"C'mon, talk to me. I'm your best friend." Terezi grins at you, "Sollux. Tell me what's up." 

"He just wanted to know where I was taking you." 

"He was _jealous_." Terezi sing-songs. 

You ignore her, like you usually do, and just scoff quietly. For years now, she's been insisting that Eridan has some kind of crush on you but you're pretty sure she's just teasing you. Probably. If there was something there, you definitely would have seen it. You're pretty sure that Eridan just likes screwing with you because you've seen the look on his face when he's managed to rile you up before. He's a bully and he gets bored when you just ignore him. Terezi grins at you and you knock her on the shoulder. 

"Am I picking up Nepeta?" You ask, suddenly realising you have no idea where your kinda-friend even lives. 

"No, her mom's driving her." Terezi's blindish gaze (she can see colours a little, she's not entirely blind) drops to the floor and she smiles, "She's meeting us there." 

"You got any idea why?" You know why but you want to know if she does. 

"Nah, maybe she's nervous." Terezi shrugs, leaning out the window. 

She has no idea. "I guess so." 

You've shared a support group with Nepeta for a fair few months now but you'd never really mentioned her to anyone. You guess that's because you'd only mentioned your group a couple of times to Terezi because she was interested and her aside, you were pretty lacking in friends. Mituna would never ask about your friends. Your parents... You don't talk much to them about anything going on in your life. You're a terrible person. 

While you might know a lot about Nepeta, Terezi has no idea. You decide to keep your mouth shut and let her find out about her new friend/future girlfriend for herself. 

"Isn't this exciting?" Terezi says, as they approach the movie theatre, "I'm excited. An actual date with a real girl." 

"And I'm delighted to chaperone." You mumble, "Do you think Nepeta's excited?" 

Terezi smiles wide. "I'm sure she is!"


	3. Nepeta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really like this AU, I find it strangely easy to write. 
> 
> It's calming somehow.

You can't get through the door. That's the first thing you become aware of as you step towards the movie theatre and while that makes your stomach clench and your heart flutter, part of you is relieved that your mom dropped you off early. She was glad that you were going to be spending time with friends, especially "nice boys like Sollux", though you don't know what that means. You think it's Mom-code for "nice boys for you to date". She's obsessed with you making new friends after the incident and you smile politely and don't tell her that you have heaps of friends on the online roleplaying message boards.

The best way to describe your current situation (with the door) is this:

Imagine playing a video game and you come to a door that you can't open. In order to open the door, you need to complete a puzzle. Every single time you get the answer to the puzzle wrong, you start to feel like you'll never get it right. And then, finally, you tap the right arrow key and the door swings open and you can't believe you couldn't open it in the first place. That's what doors are to you all the time- only each time you have to go through them again, the door seems to close and you have to solve the puzzle yet again. 

Today, you miscount your steps several times, each time that you check if somebody is looking at you, and it takes you over fifteen minutes. Every footstep makes you flinch, fearing that Terezi is bounding up behind you, curious as to what you're doing. This all makes perfect sense to you... You have to do this... But she wouldn't get it. Nobody gets it. 

As you finally push the door, you tense as if the barrier around it is going to reappear and sigh with relief as you squeeze through. You stand in the lobby of the movie theatre, anxiety draining, and aren't sure what to do with yourself. You slip your jacket off and knot it around your waist because you've been sweating storms. You check your phone to see if your Mom has messaged you- you're half hoping she comes up with some excuse for you to go home. There's nothing. You have no reason to leave. 

"Hey, Nepeta!" Terezi swings the door open like its nothing, approaching quickly, waving with the arm that isn't tightly locked around Sollux. Her compadre looks less bright, his eyes fixed in one place, with a defeated look on his face. But Sollux always looks like that. He once joked that he was the poster child for depression- but that's more accurate than funny. 

"Hey, Purrezi!" You reply, eagerly, "I didn't think you were coming." 

"Nice cat pun! Sorry, it took us so long. Somebody ran a little late..." Terezi nudges Sollux, "Because they were busy talking to their _boyfriend_!" 

"He is not my boyfriend." Sollux says, much too quickly, and you exchange grins with your new friend, "He's just some shitty rich kid that likes to pick on me." 

"Some shitty rich kid that likes to pick on you with a huge crush!" Terezi waves her arms around to emphasise her point and Sollux ducks to avoid being smacked in the face, "Even I can see it. Sollux, your blind friend can see it. Why can't you?" 

You laugh with her. 

Sollux turns a shade of red that could be anger or embarrassment. "Are we gonna see a fucking movie or did I drive your ass out here for no reason?" 

Terezi releases her grip on him and slides her arm through yours instead. "Let's go, Nep."

She asks you to lead her to the concession stand, so she can buy some popcorn, and Sollux disappears to purchase tickets. As you're walking, you lean in and ask her if Sollux really does have a boyfriend. She tells you about some kid named Eridan that hangs around with him and has the hugest fucking crush on Sollux ever. You never knew about that. You guess that Sollux is pretty quiet in group- but you always figured he has nothing to say. Maybe he's just a much more secretive person than you thought he was. 

You have to help Terezi figure out her change, since she can't tell the different notes apart, but buying popcorn isn't too difficult. You buy sodas and try to figure out what kind of OCD your new friend even has. She has no visible germophobia, problems with barriers, any obvious rituals, or anything that looks even vaguely like a symptom. She's a mystery, Terezi Pyrope, and you're determined to figure her out. 

Everything's fine until you're about to enter the actual movie, where you stop short at the door and swallow hard. No, no, no, no, no. There's a large number fourteen printed on the door, mocking you, and you realise that you can't get through this door either. Two in one day? You can't believe it. 

Terezi doesn't realise why you've stopped and keeps dragging you towards the door, even though you try to dig your heels in. You're having a really bad day, compulsion wise, because you start tugging on your parka in counts of five again. The door, the door, the door, the door, the door. Sollux holds it open and Terezi pulls you through and you sweat. 

You're through. You can't breathe. 

"You okay?" Sollux mumbles, a sharp look in his eyes; he's observant, much more than you thought, and he looks like he wants to say something more. You just nod, dumbly, even though you aren't okay. You just got pulled straight through the door before you were ready and it was like drowning sideways. You should have kicked up a bigger fuss. 

"Nepeta?" Terezi turns to you, "Let's go find our seats." 

You draw a sharp, hopeful breath and agree. "Let's go." 

You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to leave. 

The seats are right at the back because you trusted Sollux to lead you to them- you weren't paying attention and Terezi has announced that she can't see anything in a room this dark. Still, you slide down in your seat gratefully and take a sip of your soda. Because you're fine. You take another quick breath and try to imply one of the many therapy techniques you've been taught. This one's all about staying in the moment. It's simple. You just tell yourself:

Your name is Nepeta Leijon, you are sixteen years old. You are in a movie theatre with your new friend, Terezi Pyrope, and the guy from your therapy group, Sollux Captor. Tickets cost five dollars, which you borrowed from your Mom before she dropped you off. You are excited to see this movie with your new friends because it might be the start of your life with friends. You are anxious because of the stupid door. You can taste your own breath melting in your mouth. You can smell salted, buttery popcorn under your nose. You can feel Terezi's arm nudging against yours on the armrest between you because there isn't enough room for both of you. 

The door doesn't vanish from your mind. 

You drum your fingers against your knees rhythmically in beats of five and try to focus on the commercials instead of the door. Terezi asks if you're okay and you say yes. She asks if you're nervous and you say no. You don't want her to think you're lame.

The movie starts. Your anxiety spikes. 

"Hey." Sollux leans forward to address both of you, whispering under the cover of the movie, "I gotta take a piss, can you guys let me through?"

"Really, Captor?" Terezi sighs, whisper-annoyed, "You always do this. Why can't you fucking go before the movie starts like a normal person?"

"Because you're bossy and don't let people take bathroom breaks if _you_ don't need them."

You wonder if they're fighting but then, Terezi grins and Sollux rolls his eyes and you realise it's all good-natured ribbing. Still, Sollux stands and you realise that there's a chance to escape and retry the door. It's still throbbing in your mind, like you cheated at getting through it and you're feeling repercussions. You mutter about going too and Terezi moves her feet out of the way, pulling a face at you. You think she might be mad this time but she winks and you realise that you're okay. You've never been the best at reading expressions but Terezi exaggerates. 

You push your way through the dark, stumble out the dreaded door into the bright light, before turning to it and drumming your hand against the door. Five. Five is good. Twenty five is better. Twenty five lots of twenty five is amazing. Yes. This is better. 

You don't know why you have such problems entering certain doors- you have no problem exiting- and not others but this one is stubborn. When you're done OCD-ing the fuck out, relieved, you breathe. 

You turn around and realise that Sollux is still standing there, his arms crossed loosely. 

"It's okay." He says, before you can explain, "Wait there, I didn't just lie to save your ass, I actually do need to take a leak." 

You watch him walk off and wait for him to come back. 

To his credit, he doesn't leave you alone too long before he returns, slumped over and looking miserable as ever. Now that you're thinking about it, you're not sure you've ever seen him smile. That's terrible. 

"Pawllux?" You ask, because he's just standing there and looking at you, "Can I ask you something?" 

He shrugs at you. 

"Why are you so sad all the time?" You nearly clap your hands over your mouth. That wasn't what you were intending to ask; you were going to ask why he decided to save you there and how he knew what to do. Instead, you just watch his features shift into confusion. 

"I'm not. Really." He says and you realise he doesn't even know, "I'm just tired. Maybe I'll try and take a nap in the theatre, if I can escape Terezi's eagle eyes for half a second." 

You laugh and he looks like he wants to smile. 

"You're funny." You tell him. 

"Sarcasm is a metric for potential." Sollux replies. 

The two of you return to your seats, though you do pause outside the door briefly before deciding that you're safe, and Terezi is mildly pissed that she has to move her legs out of the way again. You notice that they've given her on of those headsets for blind people but it's just sat on her lap instead. You wonder why she bothered getting one if she wasn't going to use it. You wonder how she knows what's happening in the movie. 

Sollux seems to be her seeing eyes because she keeps checking in with him. 

"Did the guy just draw a pistol?"

"Is that Scarlett Johansson?" 

"Are they just staring at each other silently?" 

He seems annoyed but pleased that he has something over her at last, feeding her sarcastic and amusing remarks throughout the movie. The people in front of them complain that they don't need a running commentary but Terezi just tells them that they're harassing a blind kid and they drop it abruptly. She winks at you again. 

After the movie, Terezi asks you to lead her to the bathroom please. You're fully prepared to lead her in the direction of the disabled bathroom but she refuses, telling you that she's capable of finding her way around a "normal" bathroom. Still, you have to point her in the direction of the stalls. You wonder what her obsession is with pretending she's not blind. 

"I don't like needing help." She tells you, as she washes her hands, "I wasn't always blind, y'know, and sometimes I like to act like it hasn't changed anything. But it has. I mean, look at us. You had to bring me in here like some kind of child." 

She's definitely not a washer, she's so brief at washing her hands. She didn't even use soap. 

"It's okay to need help." You tell her, "Even the bravest warriors need help. Even the Disciple had the help of the Signless sometimes." 

"I read those comics when I was a kid." Terezi smiles, holding her hands under the dryer, "My sister always read them and I got them when she was done. But when I started going blind, I started reading The Blind Justice comics instead. They make me feel a little better." 

"I guess you can't read them anymore." You realise, sadly. 

Terezi shakes her hands and rubs them on her pants. "It sucks, Nep. Turning blind really fucking sucks. They are people in my hospital ward that have been blind their whole lives and I think they're really lucky. They've never seen anything but I miss the things I used to see." 

"Oh." You pause, "I miss being normal too." 

"What are you talking about?" She turns to you, "You are normal." 

"No, I-" 

"OCD doesn't make you any less normal, dumbass. Especially since you're hanging out with me and Sollux. Between us, we're like the three musketeers of OCD." You laugh at her, "Speaking of Sollux, I think we can bully him into driving us to Five Guys. You got any change or do I need to cover both of you?"


	4. Sollux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tfw a stupid boy asks you to fix his computer and you end up making out and it's awkward for everyone involved
> 
> dude how great would this chapter be from Eridan's POV?? If anybody ever wants to write that, go ahead because that would be cool. I'd love to know what he's thinking.

It's Saturday afternoon and Terezi's request, you've invited both her and Nepeta to your home. Having them sat there on the couch makes you squirm with discomfort, knowing they're in your safe place, but you try to ignore the feeling. Instead, you get to work pouring soda into three different cups, while they sift through your video game collection. 

To your surprise, Nepeta knows a lot about games. She shrugs at you and mumbles something about spending a lot of time inside- you'd love to see her movie and game collection, if the way she talks about it at group is anything to go by. You know that she spends a lot of time at home and you know that the idea of going anywhere makes her anxious, which makes you kinda proud that she felt she could come here. Your pride is punctured when you realise that she only came for Terezi. Neither of them like hanging out with you, you're just the go-between. 

"I like your house, Sollux." Nepeta says, walking over to you. She joins you at the counter and pours her own drink, like she doesn't trust you to do it right, and smiles at you. There's something in her smile that's widely infectious but you just screw the cap back on the soda. 

"Thanks." You tell her, "But it's really just a mess. A boring mess."

"It's not _that_ bad." She lies, "There's no cat fur anywhere."

Well, you suppose you have that going for you. 

"I guess." You shrug. 

Nepeta shrugs back. "Do you wanna play Mario Kart with us?" 

"Hell yes." 

You spend the afternoon beating the crap out of Nepeta and Terezi (who form a team) on Rainbow Road because despite Nepeta trying to guide her, Terezi always does the opposite. Nepeta says right, Terezi swerves left. Needless to say, you destroy them easily. You've played this game for years now and nobody is better than you. 

By the time they're leaving, the three of you have eaten your way through half the kitchen. Your dads are out with Mituna but hopefully they won't notice the snacks missing- you didn't tell them you were having friends round. 

Since Nepeta's Mom is busy and can't pick her up, you walk her home instead. Terezi lives on the opposite side of town, so you have to walk the cat girl by yourself. You don't really know what to say to her, so you mostly keep quiet while she tells you about her cats. She owns five different ones and one has the same name as some guy you knew in middle school. What ever happened to Equius Zahhak? You and him used to be bros- even if he was obsessed with the idea of classism and considered you beneath him. 

Nepeta comes to a standstill so suddenly that you walk right into her. 

"I haven't seen this place in a while." She says, quietly. 

"Huh?" You follow her gaze and find that she's staring at the crappy, rundown park across the street, "Oh. You used to come here as a kid?" 

"Yeah." She smiles, wistfully, "Equius liked to show off his strength on the monkey bars." 

"You guys know each other?" You're surprised. She's never mentioned Equius before. Except when talking about her cats- and you figured that was just a weird coincidence. 

"We did." Nepeta nods. She stands for another moment, smiling, before she shakes her head and continues walking. 

You walk her home, buried under your thoughts, hoping she doesn't notice you tapping the lampposts as you walk. It takes you so long to get home that your dads are waiting at the kitchen table for you. You explain that you walked Nepeta home. 

Psii frowns. "You had friends over?" 

You nod and mutter that you thought they'd be okay with it. 

"She must live far away." Your dad comments. 

"I guess." You shrug. She doesn't. She really doesn't. 

"Next time, you can call me and I'll take her home for you." Psii says, "We can't have you wandering around after dark, Sollux, it's not good for you."

 _It's not good for your mental health_ goes unsaid. 

"Sollux..." Your dad looks thoughtful for a moment, "You are okay, right?" 

You nod so hard you nearly break your neck. You try to look sincere about it too. Because, despite it all, you think you're fine. Maybe you have a bit of a problem with your compulsions but it's certainly not hurting you in anyway. You aren't one of those people that starves themselves or shows up to group with their hands peeling and raw. Unlike Nepeta, you don't have to walk a certain way or tap a certain number out to get through a door. You just have small things. You touch certain things, you arrange things a certain way. 

You're unhappy a lot of the time but that's called being a teenager, isn't it? 

Both your dads shared concerned looks. You excuse yourself to take a shower. 

The reason they're so worried about you is because a year ago, the compulsions got so bad that you had to be sectioned for a little while. They put you on drugs that addled your brain- they didn't just remove the compulsions, they removed everything. You felt as if you were floating, half-asleep, and like you were somewhere entirely different. The meds were meant to keep you calm but you hated it- you were losing a part of yourself. Quickly as possible, you begged the doctors to get you off them and they did, though it took a few months. 

You took the last dose a couple of weeks ago. 

"Are you sure you didn't quit the meds too quickly?" Terezi had asked, lazing on the cushions shed laid out on her carpet. 

"They were fucking with me." You had told her. 

"Maybe you need them to stick those rods in your brain. They can burnt out the bits that control your compulsions, you know." Terezi cackled. Her odd sense of humour normally rubbed off well on you but that day, you'd just pressed your nose closer to your phone screen. 

She always knew how to get inside your head. And that day has been bugging you for a while. 

After your shower, you pull on some under and a old shirt, before crawling into bed. You can't even be bothered to check your computer to see if anything has happened online. You're exhausted. You've been feeling exhausted for a while lately. 

Your phone pings. Eridan. Of course it is. You never should have given him your number. 

_hey sol i need help with somethin_

with your irritating personality? sorry i dont think it can be fixed 

_haha hilarious. sarcasm by the way. my computers broke_

its probably those gay porn sites you like, theyre full of viruses

_can i come over_

jeez no. cant it wait until tomorrow 

_no i have a project due._

fine but youre gonna have to climb through the window 

You aren't expecting him to seriously take you up on your offer but much later, you hear a thump against your window, pulling you away from your thoughts. Annoyed, you scramble out of bed and look for the source of the noise. You narrowly avoid a second pebble that shoots through your window like a missile and swear under your breath, spotting Eridan Ampora standing in your backyard. He's wearing his fancy pyjamas; you race to put pants on and dial his number. 

"What the fuck, Ampora?" You hiss into the phone. You heard your dads come upstairs a while ago and Mituna, of course, has been tucked into bed since they brought him home earlier. You've been dozing on and off between messages, you have no idea how late it is. Later than it was when you came to bed, that's for sure. 

"You told me I could come ovver. Nice underwwear, by the wway." You can hear the smirk in his voice. 

"God, I hate you." But you're slipping out of your bedroom and sneaking down the stairs, cursing every single creak of a floorboard. You try not to fumble with your keys as you unlock the back door, letting a complete asshole into your home. He's never come further than your front gate before, he's certainly never seen the inside of your house, and he looks around. 

"Nice place." He murmurs, sarcastically, and you flip him off. 

You take the computer from under his arm and flip it open. 

"You killed it." You moan, as if he killed your first born. His laptop is a wreck. 

"Can you fix it?" 

"Doesn't your daddy know a guy?" You remark, enjoying the way the words roll off your tongue. Eridan might piss you off like nobody else but it's nice to feel... Something. 

"Yes." Eridan hisses, "But as far as dad is concerned, I'm straight as a board and I don't wwant him to find out otherwwise. Any friends of his wwould definitely let slip wwhat they found on there." You realise that his face is flushed, "Please, Sol, my project is due tomorroww." 

_He really does have gay porn on his computer_ , you think and you try not to flush the same shade of pink he is. Maybe he really has been crushing on- nahhhhhh.

You roll your eyes. "Fine. C'mon." 

He's not as light-footed as you are and the stairs groan, loud enough to make you worry, and he doesn't move as quick as you'd like. Eventually, you manage to pull him into your bedroom and into safety. Your dads don't come into your room anymore, they'll never check on you even if they hear anything. They'll assume you're playing games online again. And for some reason, the idea of them catching you with Eridan Ampora at this time of night is terrifying. 

"Jesus." Eridan breathes, closing the door quietly behind him, "Sol, howw long havve you been livvin' like this?" 

You don't like the soft undertones in his voice. "Living like what?"

He gestures to your room with a sweep of his arm. 

Okay, so maybe it's not the neatest of places and it might smell a little off, but you're pretty sure that's normal for a kid your age. Terezi's room is messy too. You kick an old takeout container under the bed and set his laptop down on your desk, opening it back up. Eridan looks around like he's not sure where he's supposed to go. The feeling of his eyes bearing into your back makes you feel subconscious somehow. 

"Guess you don't bring a lotta first dates up here?" Eridan says, finally settling on the edge of your bed. 

You scowl at him. 

"It wwas a joke. As if you could get someone as great as me." 

"Asshole." You mutter. 

To his credit, he's mostly quiet as you work on his computer, though he does strain to spy over your shoulder. You can't concentrate when he's looking, so you have to banish him to the corner. Moodily, he flicks through your belongings. He has a couple of things to say about the vast stack of comic books. 

"The Helmsman is the lamest character in the series. Evverybody knowws that." 

He's trying to rile you but you don't rise. "He's my favourite." 

"He's not evven a person anymore." Eridan comments, flicking through one of the newer issues distastefully, "At this point, he's basically just a battery to powwer Her Imperial's ship. They could cut his entire character an' replace him wwith an engine." 

You know that if you argue with him, voices will get raised and your parents will overhear. You should just work on fixing the fuckery on his computer, so you can get him out of here as soon as possible. It's just a comic book character anyway. It's not like it matters. 

Except it does. The Helmsman has been your favourite character for years now and when things got bad, when you couldn't push away the bad thoughts and felt lower than you'd ever felt, those comics had been a lifeline. You'd read them over and over, tracing every single word, glad that the Helmsman... This prisoner... He seemed to understand what it was like inside your mind. Like you, he was defeated and drained, verging on useless. You and him were alike. You liked the Helmsman in the same way Terezi like those Blind Justice comics. Everybody needs some kind of hero after all. 

The Helmsman is equally as fucked as you. That's why you look up to him. 

"Don't fall asleep, Captor." Eridan prods you. When did he get to your side? You aren't sure but you force yourself to sit up straight, rubbing your eyes and knocking your glasses askew in the process. You don't bother fixing them, it takes too much energy, and instead return to typing. You type with your left hand, your right hand fidgets on the surface of the desk. 

You stay awake, craving the energy you've been lacking for years now. You were always such a bright kid- and that was exactly how people phrased it- and you still honestly have no idea what went wrong in your brain. You manage to source the problem and begin to untangle it, your brain formatting everything automatically and your hands moving without you even having to tell them. When you're done, you slump forward on the desk. 

"S'fixed." You mumble into your arms. 

"Thanks." Eridan doesn't snatch his laptop back. Instead, he nudges you to see how you'll react and when you just shift a little, he decides to pinch you instead. You nearly kill him but you decide it will just be easier to kick him out. 

"Get the fuck out." You tell him. 

Eridan hesitates. 

You repeat yourself. 

"Sol..." He draws out his stupid nickname for you, tugging on your arm until you unwillingly lift your head off your desk and look at him. He's staring at you and his irises are so blue that they're almost luminescent; have they always been that bright? Oh, shit. 

Something bubbles up in your chest and you feel like you're going to puke. "What?" 

"I..." Eridan huffs, "I still hate you. I hate you." 

"Wh-?" And then his lips collide with yours. You're so taken aback that you can't do anything. 

He tastes like... Well, how you imagine Eridan would taste- like salt and heat melting in your mouth. At some point, you think you start kissing him back because your hands slip up his back and come to rest somewhere on his back. You dig your nails in as he climbs onto your lap, leaning forward and pushing you back in your chair. The chair nearly tips right over and you have to grab the desk to save both of you from hitting the ground. You swear. 

And then, you swear again. "Shit." 

"Fuck." Eridan replies, his lips still locked onto yours. You can feel his words forming against your mouth. He opens his eyes and you make eye contact, which shatters the tension and you both stop immediately. You wipe your mouth on the back of your hand. 

Oh, great, your first kiss is Eridan Ampora. 

"I wwanted to do that a long time ago." He says, "Just to see wwhat it wwould be like to kiss an experienced vvirgin such as yourself." 

"What makes you think I'm a virgin?" You're offended, even if it's true. 

"You're wwearin' a Legend of Zelda shirt an' your pants are on back to front." 

God, you hate it when he's right. You hate the fact that he's still sat pretty much on your lap, his hands gripping your shirt to keep himself balanced on the desk chair threatening to break underneath the weight of the two of you. You hate yourself for kissing him back. 

From the expression on his face, he's disgusted with you and himself. 

The two of you sit quietly for a while, separately trying to straighten your shit out, you guess. You think about the events that have lead up to today. How Eridan hangs around and walks with you to school and bumps shoulders with you and picks on you. And how you like to argue with him, how your annoyance at him gives you something to feel. And how having him on your lap right now, pressed against your crotch, is making you sweat. 

"The whole point of the Helmsman is that he's been stripped of everything he used to feel." You say, eventually, "He's given up on life and trying to fight it anymore, succumbing to the ship. He can't keep going, so he decides it's just better to give up. He's numb inside." 

Eridan frowns, lost. "Wwhat?" 

"That's why he's my favourite." Your voice cracks and your clear your throat, "Because even though he's just a battery now, it's because he couldn't fight anymore. He used to be a person. He didn't want to be used like that. He just wasn't strong enough to resist anymore. And now, he's just the shadow of the person he once was."

It's the most you've spoken in months.

"I don't think you should evver givve up fightin'." Eridan looks at you, pointedly, like he's talking about something bigger than a comic, "A good soldier nevver givves up." 

When he leans forward to kiss you again, the desk chair topples and you both end up sprawled on the floor. You start laughing, for the first time in a while, and it feels good. Eridan stares blankly at you for a moment before joining in.


	5. Nepeta

"What's he doing?" You ask, peering at Sollux, who has his math textbook pressed up against his face and is moaning quietly into it. He's slumped over the same coffee table that Terezi is resting her feet (wearing odd socks) on and looks defeated. As if somebody had stabbed in his left lung and deflated him completely. 

"Two things." Terezi informs you, stretching her arms above her head before slouching comfortably in her seat, "Number one, he's getting over the fact that he woke up in a bed with Eridan on Sunday and quickly realised that he had sex with him." 

Sollux starts hitting his head gently against his math textbook. 

"You had sex with somebody?" You splutter in surprise, looking at the nerd with his thick glasses and his awkward physical form. 

"There's no need to sound so surprised." Sollux mumbles, still gently hitting his head. 

Eventually, Terezi leans forward and grabs him by the neck of his shirt. "He's also got some kind of advanced math test happening tomorrow and he didn't revise because he was too busy getting it on with Ampora." 

"Please stop reminding me." Sollux murmurs.

You take a seat beside Terezi on the couch. "Reminding you about the sex or the math?" 

Terezi high-fives you. 

It turns out that the reason they called you over so late on a Tuesday night is so that you can help Sollux with his incredibly difficult math equations. He's about the same age as you, maybe younger, but apparently he's like two grades above you and nearly ready for college. You had no idea that Sollux was incredibly smart but you guess that makes him one of those so-called intellectuals you read about once. You help him with flash cards and by quizzing him on algebra until his brain melts and drips out his ears. Or at least that's what he claims. 

"I had no idea you were so good at math." You say, as Sollux scribbles the answer to an equation in his notebook- his handwriting is so bad that it hurts your eyes to look at- without so much as pausing to think about it. 

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me." Sollux shrugs. He's right. 

You lean forward eagerly. "Tell me something." 

"I've been writing the code for a new video game about prisons." He closes his notebook and throws it at Terezi's head, "Hey, Pyrope. Get your girlfriend to stop questioning me about my life."

Terezi doesn't deny it. "Hey, just because we all want a sneak preview into the mind of Sollux Captor... It wouldn't hurt for you to actually talk to people. Why don't you tell Nepeta about your extensive porn collection? Or your weird obsession with the Helmsman?" 

Sollux mumbles for her to shut up and crawls to retrieve his notebook from where it landed. Luckily, his athletic ability is so lacking that he didn't even manage to pitch it halfway across the room. You can throw much better than that. 

"So, what school do you go to, Nep?" Terezi asks. She's lazing across the couch still with a comic book resting on her face and her glasses held in her left hand, her arm dangling off the edge of the couch. She lifts the corner of the comic book to shoot a glance at you. Though, according to what she's told you, she can barely see. She described you earlier as a smudge of dark green painted on a brown canvas. She said you were pretty too. 

"I don't go to school." You say, returning to snipping girls out of magazines with the craft scissors Terezi leant you, "My Mom teaches me at home." 

"Cool." Terezi says, "I wish my mom could do that. Instead, we just get to go to Skaia High School. Lamest place on the entire planet. Right, Sollux?" 

Sollux grunts and returns to trying to absorb his math revision through his face. 

"I wish you came to school with us." Terezi grins at you, "We need another girl for our soccer team and there's room for another seat at our lunchroom table." The thought makes your heart thump in your chest, "Anyway, it must be lonely being homeschooled." 

"Not really." You lie. 

"I'm going to order takeout." Sollux pushes himself up onto his feet, "Shall we get Chinese?" 

"This isn't so you can flirt with the girl who works behind the counter, is it?" Terezi raises an eyebrow, "Because you have a boyfriend now, who-" 

Sollux smacks her over the head with a cushion and retreats into the kitchen to call the takeout place, leaving you to sit alone with Terezi. You turn to look at her and smile at the curl of hair pressing against her cheek. You pick the comic book off her face and drop it on the coffee table and edge closer to her, leaning in close enough to smell her perfume. She's not the kind of person you even thought would own a perfume. But you used her bathroom earlier and found that the counter was cluttered with foreign girl scents and bottles. 

You wonder if they were all hers. 

"Who do you live with again?" You ask. 

Terezi rolls onto her stomach. "Aunt Redglare and my sister, Latula. They're busy with more important things than hanging out with me. They normally are." 

"Your mom doesn't live with you?" You ask. 

Terezi bristles. "Not at the moment. She's busy. Saving the world." 

You nod and start sticking your cuttings onto a piece of card. "That's so cool." 

Sollux drives the two of you out to pick up takeout and you eat it in the back of his dad's car with the three of you squished into the backseat and trading containers. Though, Sollux gets frustrated when Terezi keeps mixing the rice in with the noodles. He eats with chopsticks and scrolls through his phone, while you stab chicken relentlessly with a fork and lean against Terezi's shoulder. Her curls tickle your nose, making you sniff. 

She talks in her voice that fills the car and you go back and forth with her. She's easy to talk to, easy to joke with, and she leaps into roleplay speech as quickly as you do. Before long, she's telling you all about the half-dragon lawyer character she plays as in her LARP group that sounds suspiciously similar to the superhero, Blind Justice. 

"I told you, I love those comics." Terezi balances her soda on her knees.

"If you spill that in my dad's car, I'll kill you." Sollux doesn't even glance up from his phone. 

"You get it, right?" She nudges you, "Comics are like an escape for me. A vice, I guess. Sollux reads them too, we trade. I can still remember when every kid on the block was into those comics and they sold out in seconds. I guess I never really grew up."

"You do act like a child." Sollux points out. 

"Hey!" Terezi fences him off with her chopsticks. They engage in battle for five minutes, clicking their chopsticks at each other, and you try to twist noodles around your fork. Unlike Terezi and Sollux, your mom doesn't normally let you eat takeout. This is foreign territory and you have no idea how to lift your slippery noodles between two twigs. You have no idea how the two of them look so at ease.

"My dad wants me home." Sollux says, eventually, looking up from his phone, "And we've got to clear all this crap out before we go back there." 

He drives the two of you back to Terezi's place. You note the look of intense concentration on his face as he stares at the road, as if he's pondering something far more intricate than driving. You wonder what goes on inside his brain. You sorta want to know. As you get out of the car, you watch him adjust his glasses and mutter something under his breath that you don't catch. Then, you and Terezi help him remove all traces of takeout from the car and ditch the containers in the trash. Terezi says her aunt won't even notice the greasy smell of takeout food. 

"She's much too busy with work." Terezi tells you, as she drinks the last of her soda, before crumpling the can and tossing it in the trash, "Anyway, you're staying the night, right?" 

You blink at her. "Sure. Let me call my mom first."

You are at ease in Terezi's home. There are no barricades. There is only girls and the mysteries that seem to surround them and swallow them up completely. You don't tell your mom this but you tell her that you're happy and she agrees that you can stay the night. She offers to bring your things round but Terezi shakes her head and says she's got everything you could need. 

Sollux leaves and then, you're alone with her. 

"Wanna see my room?" Terezi offers, as soon as she's pushed her friend out the door. 

"You'll have to be a lot more subtle than that." You tell her. 

"Subtlety isn't my strength." Terezi cackles, "Nah, that's not what I meant. I just thought you'd like to see my LARP stuff. If you want, maybe we could even set up a two-person roleplay ourselves, since you can't join my group." 

"That would be so cool. But only if I get to be the leader. The mighty huntress doesn't follow!"

"Hey, partners, alright?" Terezi punches you lightly on the arm, "Let's do this." 

She truly does has everything you could ever need for a good LARP, which the two of you spend half the evening preparing for. You pick through her selection of costumes and pick out a long green jacket to wear over your parka that drags along the ground and a set of claws from some kind of Wolverine cosplay. You hunt in your cat ears and a tail that flies out behind you as you run and Terezi carefully draws some crooked whiskers on your face. Quickly, you both assume your personas. 

Terezi is no longer Terezi but Redglare, The Legislacerator. An alien from another planet that was stranded on Earth and has joined the rebellion against the all powerful dictators that have taken control of the human race. 

You are a wild huntress, very Disciple-esque, that joins her in setting up a small group to infiltrate the government. There's lots of sneaking around and pretending to claw people that don't exist. It's not the kind of LARPing you're used to- it's new and exciting and you can't help racing around her backyard in excitement. She chases you and you pounce on her, both of you rolling in the grass until you're exhausted. 

You lie in the grass and look up at the stars, breathless. Your mom would never allow you outside this late at home- she's been much too protective since what happened to Equius. 

"Hey, Nep." Terezi props herself up on her elbows, "I don't want to be nosy. Well, I do want to be but the counsellor has been telling me to try and respect boundaries. So, I've been trying not to ask any questions. But the way you talk... It makes it sound like something really bad stopped you from going to school and stuff." 

"Yeah. It... Something bad happened." Your heart is still pounding in your chest, "I don't really talk about it too much. But... Long story short, me and my friend were at the park. And this guy from school... He attacked us and my friend got really badly hurt. And I was... Anyway, I haven't really wanted to go outside too much since then. I get anxious." 

"Was your friend okay?" Terezi looks concerned. 

Shakily, you breathe. "He died in the hospital. He lost a lot of blood. Afterwards, they kept telling me that I was just lucky to be alive." You sit up, "I've got a scar though." 

"Jeez. That's seriously shitty." Terezi's hand rests on your knee, "No wonder you don't want to talk about it." 

"It's not that I don't want to." You shrug, "People just don't want to hear about it. I'm still pissed about the whole thing but that doesn't stop me from OCD-ing all over the place." 

"Did the guy at least go to jail?"

"He was deemed too mentally ill to stand trial. He's in an institution somewhere now." Saying it out loud lifts a weight off your chest and you suck in air properly for the first time in months, "I'm sorry, this is really sad to talk about. I don't want you to feel sad about it." 

"Hey, what are friends for?" Terezi grins at you. 

Your heart sinks.


	6. Sollux

“Wwhere do you think you’re goin’?” A familiar warbling voice grabs hold of your ears and doesn’t let go. 

He catches up with you quickly when he realises you’re not in the mood to stop and listen to him flirting. Eridan Ampora, normally dignified and pompous, shuffles quickly to join you. As you walk, you take care to brush your fingers casually against lampposts you pass, tapping them in sets of two. You just wish you could get the ones across the street. 

“Sol?” He sounds more pathetic now so you glance at him, tiredly; he follows up, “Are you ignorin’ me or somethin’?” 

Eridan Ampora is a tall, cigarette-holding non-smoking, rich hipster. Today, he’s wearing a scarf so ugly that you noticed he was wearing it. You never notice these things. You wonder why you notice today. Maybe it has something to do with the way that you pinned him to a bed and clutched at him desperately. Or how he tasted pressed up against your mouth.

You reluctantly allow him to sling an arm around you as you walk. You really aren’t that touchy-feely. 

“Everything’s just shit.” You grumble but of course, he doesn’t understand. Somebody like him could never really understand somebody like you. People can’t comprehend things they haven’t experienced. 

“You ain’t ignorin’ me, then?” He smells like seasalt. 

“Nah.” You look up at him, “Your obnoxious fashion choices make you hard to ignore. Did you wear that scarf by accident or was it intentional?”

He flicks his scarf over his shoulder but there’s a look in his eyes that more amused than annoyed. 

He rolls his eyes at you, “You wwouldn’t knoww fashion if it danced naked in front of you, Captor.” 

Elbowing him in the side, you snort. You guess he can be okay sometimes when he isn’t being a total pretentious shithead. 

“So, listen.” You say, after you’ve walked a while, “TZ’s organising a thing. A party.” 

Eridan feigns shock, “You? At a social event?” 

It’s true that you haven’t exactly blossomed in a social butterfly. You really are more of a caterpillar curled in its sleeping bag. But Terezi wants you to come; she thinks it would be good for you to get out more. You don’t agree. But if you have to sit through this party, you can’t do it alone. 

“You wanna come or not?” You stop in the middle of the sidewalk and look at him. 

Eridan looks hoity toity, “I’ll have to check my calendar.” 

You sigh and tip your head back in frustration, “If you don’t come, I’m going to be stuck talking to all the other crazy people.” 

For a moment, he seems to consider this statement. There’s a pinched look on his face like he’s trying to work out what you mean. Something about your statement seems to have surprised and bamboozled him. Then, you remember that he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that you’re crazy. And your stomach sinks, as you wait for him to demand answers. You wait for him to abandon you on the sidewalk to be washed away by the rain. 

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” He silences your protests with a kiss before you can even open your mouth. 

When he kisses you, it’s like the world melts away for a second. You can even ignore the thoughts humming in your head. At least, they’re quieter than usual. You should really go back and touch all the lampposts you missed. Eridan tastes warm and sticky like sugar melting in your mouth. You didn’t touch the lampposts on the other side of the street. _Shut up_ you think and the thoughts are washed away. They trickle down the drain and Eridan pulls you close. 

The feeling of his body pressed against yours is new and familiar all at once. 

When you break away to breathe, you find your hands tangled in his stupid purple-streaked hair. At once, the thoughts rush back and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Sometimes, they’re so loud. Sometimes, they’re all you can hear. Nothing shuts them out. 

“I’m fucking crazy.” You tell him and you think you’re shaking. 

Eridan frowns. 

“I’m fucking crazy, Eridan.” You want to be angry so why are tears pooling in your eyes? “If you want to... Keep doing whatever it is we’re doing, you’re going to have to accept that. I’m a fucking lunatic, okay?” 

He looks to the sky for answers before his eyes fall back to you, “Sol, I knoww everythin’.” 

Your breath catches in your throat involuntarily. 

“Do you think I’m fuckin’ stupid?” He looks more offended than angry, “After wwe... Wwe had sex, you spent ovver an hour wwalking ‘round the house touchin’ lights an’ wwindowws. I asked Tez wwhat wwas goin’ on an’ she told me everythin’.” 

It feels like all the air has been sucked out of your lungs. You have to sit down on a nearby bench, rubbing your clammy hands on your jeans. Eridan sits down beside you, right next to you, like he isn’t scared of catching the crazy bug from you. One of his hands rests on top of yours, contrasting colours and textures pressed together. 

He doesn’t say anything for a while. You’re quiet too, staring at your hands, until you crack and start babbling. 

You tell him about the OCD and about the checks and the routines and the thoughts. The intense, bubbling thoughts that won’t leave you alone unless you do what they say. You don’t tell him about how you sometimes lie awake at night wishing you didn’t have to wake up the next day. That might freak him out. But you tell him about the accident that fractured Mituna’s brain into confused pieces and the trauma that turned into your compulsive urges. 

“On Wednesday, I have to go to group therapy.” You finish, “That’s why I get a free pass from school.” 

“That’s howw you knoww Nep.” Eridan fills in the blanks for you, “I thought it wwas wweird that you kneww her. She hasn’t left her house since middle school. An’ Tez too?”

You shrug at him. “So, there you go. There’s some new material to use on me. Sollux is fucking crazy. That’s a good one, huh?” 

He frowns. “Wwhat are you talkin’ about?” 

You prop your elbows up on your knees and lean forward to rest your head on your upstretched hands. Absentmindedly, your fingers tangle with the ends of your hair. The relief of him knowing one of your secrets takes a great weight off your shoulders but you know it comes with a price. You doubt he’s going to talk to you anymore. He’s certainly not going to continue your on-off fling. Nobody wants a pathetic, worthless person like yourself. 

“Do you think I’m gonna... Treat you like shit ‘cos you havve OCD?” Eridan pieces together your thoughts, looking bewildered. 

“I’m a fucking loser.” You mutter, closing your eyes to block any possibility of tears. 

His hand wraps around yours, “Sol, I’m not gonna wwalk awway just ‘cos you’re different. I’vve knowwn you wwere different since wwe met.” 

You sit up and you look at him. 

The two of you don’t talk much after that but there’s contentness filling the silent air. Although it’s difficult for you to process what he’s saying, you’re somewhat happy when he walks you home and pecks you on the cheek at your door. He’s much taller and has to duck down so his lips can meet your cheek. It’s a softer side of Eridan you’ve never seen before, hidden under stubbornness and bitterness. 

It’s weird for him to be acting like this and you don’t really know what to do with your feelings. You hope he isn’t going to treat you different just because of the monster that gnaws on your brain. 

You step into the house, closing the door behind you. 

“How was school, Sol?” Your dad asks, as you pass him to get to the stairs. 

You pause, “Yeah, it was... It was really weird. But not bad, I guess?” 

Your dad seems pleased, “Really? That’s great. I’m so glad things are going well.” 

He’s glad you’re better, you think, as you head up the stairs. But you shut yourself in your room and look at the piles of garbage that fill it and the feeling of ‘not-right’ settles in your stomach again. You sit down against the door, staring at your room, and the euphoric feeling you experienced evaporates. Exhaustion washes over you and you crawl into bed even though it isn’t late. It’s early, in fact. 

You press your face into your pillow to shut out the world and lie still. You wonder why Eridan makes everything disappear for a while the way he does. And you hope you don’t develop some unhealthy attachment to him while you’re still recovering. Is that the right word? You’re not really sick, you think. Just wired differently. 

You either fall asleep or you pass out. Your parents don’t wake you for dinner. 

It’s Saturday afternoon when you wake up and even then, you feel too tired to pull yourself out of bed. You find a notification on your phone and you frown at it confusion. You set up a Facebook years ago at Terezi’s request but immediately hated it. You don’t think you’ve opened it more than few times in your life. And yet, there are two shiny Facebook notifications smiling up at you. 

Two pending friend requests: Eridan Ampora and Nepeta Leijon. 

It doesn’t surprise you that Eridan is the kind of person who uses Facebook a lot and has four hundred friends. His profile and cover pictures are both artistically shot and his page is filled to bursting with information about him. You flick through his likes and friends and events and groups in a daze before accepting his request. Vaguely, you remember you were going to delete Facebook but it seems like a hazy dream now. 

Nepeta’s Facebook is pretty active too but if Eridan’s word is anything to go by, she really doesn’t get out much. So, at least she has an excuse. Her page is upbeat and filled with videos of cats and when you scroll down far enough, you find a birthday message from Eridan himself on her page. They’re friends on Facebook, you realise, and it surprises you for some reason. You accept her request too and then force yourself out of bed. 

It’s not even five minutes before you get a phone call from Eridan. 

“Can you at least wait until after I take a piss to call me?” You ask, flatly. 

“Absolutely not, Sol.” Eridan sounds annoyed, “You don’t havve a profile picture on Facebook!” 

“Nope.”

“Or any posts!”

“Nope.”

“You havven’t liked anythin’ _ever_.” 

You smear toothpaste onto your toothbrush, “Are you stalking me, ED?” 

There’s a silence on the other end of the phone and the sound of a laptop clicking. You wonder how long it is until Eridan’s laptop needs fixing again and he comes over to bother you about it. You hope it’s soon. Or maybe you don’t. Whatever. 

Your stomach flip-flops when you remember he’s coming to the party tonight with you. 

“Are you going to hang up or should I piss with you still on the line?” You ask, spitting toothpaste in the sink and washing out your mouth. 

Eridan scoffs, “You’re disgustin’.” 

“You love it.” The flirty sentence escapes you before you can stop it and your stomach flutters. 

“Don’t jack yourself too hard, Sol.” Eridan replies but his tone isn’t mean. It’s joking, casual. 

“I’ll be over to pick you up for the party tonight.” You tell him. 

“Hold on, I’m not done wwith you.” Eridan says, quickly, before you can hang up, “Howw do you havve Facebook for fivve years an’ not manage to do anythin’ on it?” 

“Not all of us jerk it to our likes on Facebook, ED.” You manage a small chuckle and it surprises you, “That’s what porn is for.” 

“I hate you.” Eridan laughs, “See you later, Captor.”


	7. Nepeta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was honestly going to drop this fic but seeing the support for it touched me greatly. There haven't been many updates lately because like Sollux, I've been having a pretty shit time. But writing is something I love and I want to fall back into it again. Anyway, forgive me if there are some continuation issues because I wrote the first half of this story ages ago <3
> 
> There are now character playlists for:  
> Terezi - https://open.spotify.com/user/rk7h8kbgqoe8kx8gyw2dm580g/playlist/3Rbhb6jjxi1oS2Fc8Ro2rE?si=Imyly6KoSJWOVzycreImzA  
> Nepeta - https://open.spotify.com/user/rk7h8kbgqoe8kx8gyw2dm580g/playlist/7aUyh4VoJNCMT1VtyWVtbA?si=FFcTmOEGTwOr6HAfkF2cgg
> 
> You can also see kind of how I imagine them. They are collaborative playlists, so anybody can add songs if they want (please do). Let me know if this something you like :)

"Mom, I've been meaning to ask you something for a little while," Nepeta poked her dinner around her plate, "Would it be okay if I went to a party at Terezi's house tonight? She invited me specially and I don't want to let her down. It's just a small thing, I think."

Her mother looked up at her, curiously, "You've been spending a lot of time with her and her friends recently."

"Is that a bad thing?" Nepeta asked.

The three of them were sitting around the small, wooden dinner table like Mom always encouraged them to do. She thought it would be very beneficial to Nepeta to have a routine at home, in hopes it would reduce her anxiety, and that having dinner together would be a chance to check that everyone was doing okay. As always, Nepeta was sat closest to the door so that when dinner was over, she could bolt to her room and message Terezi. Her mom sat on one side, closer to the kitchen end of the room, because she always cooked and it was more convenient that way. Uncharacteristically quiet, Meulin was sat on her other side and was texting her boyfriend under the table- that wasn't why she was so quiet, (she could normally keep up chatter while she texted), but she had lost her hearing aid and was oblivious to the discussion. 

Her mom beamed at her and reached across the table to take her hand, "No, no, of course not. I think it's wonderful you're making friends, Nep. I just worry that a party might not be the best place for you, especially when you've just had your meds reduced."

It was true; Nepeta had been doing so well recently that the doctor decided they could start reducing her dosage a lot more and she could try coping without them. She was thrilled; she hated how her medication affected her sometimes and had wanted to stop taking them for the last few years. Although her dosage had been gradually decreased little by little over the last twelve months, she was glad that it was being cut down by so much now. She was now taking half of what she’d needed before. But at the same time, she knew that things could get worse before they got better.

Maybe her mom was right, maybe the party wouldn’t be the best place. What if she had some kind of relapse?

“It’s only a small party, not like the ones Meulin goes to,” Nepeta reasoned, more with herself than her mom, “And if I started feeling bad, I could just leave. And it’s not like I’ll be the only one there- Sollux and Terezi both ‘get it’ and they’d be able to help if I freaked.”

Suddenly, Meulin interrupted with a shout, “Mom, can I go out tonight?”

Which is how Nepeta ended up in the backseat of the car, on her way to Terezi’s party via Meulin’s boyfriend’s house. She didn’t mind too much that they had to stop somewhere else on the way but she hated, hated, hated, hated, hated that it was /that/ house. Even if /he/ didn’t live there anymore. As they pulled up outside the house, Nepeta slid down in her seat, tasting metal in mouth and realising that she’d bitten down so hard on her tongue she’d made it bleed. She closed her eyes. The barrier around the Makara house was one of the strongest ones she’d ever encountered- even now, her mom had parked across the street so that she wouldn’t freak out and start screaming. Nepeta couldn’t believe her sister was dating /his/ brother. 

She’d never met Kurloz, (out of respect and kindness, Meulin had never brought him round to their house), but seeing him from even this distance made her heart race. Maybe he wasn’t anything like his brother- Meulin swore on it- but he sure looked a lot like him. Nepeta watched her sister leap up and throw his arms around him, making both of them laugh as they nearly tumbled to the ground. They’d started dating after everything had happened and Nepeta still felt a bit betrayed. Feeling sick, Nepeta leaned forward and begged her mom to start driving. She reasoned that once she got Terezi’s house, the feeling would go away. 

Terezi’s house looked a lot busier than she said it would be and Nepeta began to wonder if coming here was a mistake. It wasn’t too late to turn around and go home, her mom reminded her gently, Terezi would understand if she couldn’t go to the party. But Nepeta sucked in a deep breath and opened the car door. 

“I’ll pick you up at eleven, unless you decide to sleep over,” Her mom rolled down the window to tell her, “Be smart, okay? You know what’s best for mew.”

Nepeta lets out a shaky laugh at the cat pun and turns toward the house, tugging on her parka five times to remind herself that it would be okay. Then, she went inside.

As soon as she reached the hallway, she realised this wasn’t some crazy MTV party or anything like she was worried about. This was just a lot of teenagers getting wasted or high and making asses of themselves. She came to this conclusion when she nearly tripped over Latula and her group of friends, who were sat in a loose semi circle and drinking from plastic cups. As she watched, Terezi’s sister leaned forward and spun the bottle that was positioned in the middle of their group. There was a collective whoop as the bottle pointed towards a Latina girl sporting an anime shirt and Latula’s cackle as she crawled forward followed Nepeta down the hall.

Quickly, she found Terezi sitting on the floor beside the couch and sporting a cup that matched her sister’s.

“Nepeta, you came!” She sounded delighted but not drunk. 

Unsurprisingly, Nepeta had seen drunk before when her sister came home from concerts late at night and couldn’t work out how to put her keys in the door. Some nights, she had to slip down the stairs and let her sister in so that she didn’t wake their mom up. Kurloz would watch from across the street, wanting to make sure she got home safely but not allowed to cross the threshold to help her. Standing under the streetlight, he would look eerily silent and dangerous and it would give Nepeta the shivers. 

Plopping down on the floor beside Terezi, she touched the arm of the couch five times to stop thinking about /him/ and then another five to make sure she would have a good time tonight. If it went noticed by anyone, nobody said anything, though she thought she saw Sollux frowning at her.

“Hey, Eridan,” She smiled at him. If anyone here was drunk, it was him.

Always a lightweight, he was sitting beside Sollux and slowly collapsing into him. It was like he was trying to merge with him or something. His head was resting on Sollux’s shoulder and he kept mumbling something to him- whatever it was, it was making Sollux let out nasally chuckles. Nepeta rarely saw him laugh, so she was happy to see him not being so grumpy for once. 

Eridan took a minute to notice her, “Hey, Nep. Howw’s it goin’?” 

“Yeah, good, thanks,” Nepeta fibbed, drumming her fingers against her knees. 

Terezi was already pouring something sticky looking into a cup and handing it to her, “I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been stuck watching these two slobber all over each other for the last half an hour.”

“Go fuck yourself, Pyrope.” Sollux throws an empty, crumpled cup at her and she cackles.

For a while, they just stay there and chat. Nepeta slowly and cautiously sips the suspicious looking liquid Terezi gave her until it’s mostly empty and she’s just looking at the dregs at the bottom of her cup. She tries to remember if she’s meant to drink alcohol on her current dose of meds but her head feels a bit fuzzy; slowly, most of her body starts feeling a bit fuzzy too until she’s giggling along with Terezi and Eridan. Mostly, Sollux just stares at his phone and looks distracted. 

Nepeta doesn’t have time to worry about him; Terezi pulls her to her feet and twirls her around the front room to the beat of some old sounding pop song. She lets herself be spun, ducking under Terezi’s arm, until she gets dizzy and stumbles over, falling on top of Sollux and nearly crushing him. He grumbles but goodnaturedly helps her back to her feet. His good mood from earlier seems to be vanishing along with the daylight.

“I know where we can go!” Terezi announces, excitedly.

Somehow four of them ended up traipsing after her, as she ran off into the night. Nepeta wasn’t really sure when Dirk, the guy with pointed sunglasses from their therapy group, actually arrived or when he started tagging along with him. His quietness must have made him go unnoticed. Either way, he tagged along with them wordlessly as they follow Terezi. In the end, they have to run or risk losing her. Promptly, Nepeta grabbed Eridan by the hand and chased the pavement after her. 

The feeling of her feet pounding against the sidewalk and her breath catching in her chest as she ran produced a feeling of childhood nostalgia from deep within her. It was an early summer evening and she could feel the warmth of the dying sun on her legs; she was dying to take her parker off. Terezi shouted excitedly but she was too far away to make out what the heck she was saying and by the time they catch up, Terezi had stopped in a familiar spot. The old park, where Nepeta used to play. She used to play here with Equius. She came to a stop on the sidewalk and dropped Eridan’s hand, struggling to catch her breath. One, two, three, four, five. She counted her breaths in sets of five but the park made her head spin.

Her knees feel wobbly and they give out beneath her, causing her to land on her butt on the sidewalk. 

“Oh, fuck,” Terezi murmured somewhere above her, “I forgot.”

“Is she havvin’ a panic attack?” Somebody asked.

Somebody else replied, “We should take her jacket off.”

When the alien hands tried to grab at her, Nepeta pushed them away and insisted she just needed a minute. She just needed a minute or five, she thought, five would be much better. She just needed to get up. Pressing her head against her knees, she realised that she was crying. Maybe she /was/ having a panic attack. 

“We should call her mom,” Somebody said and she was able to recognise it as Sollux.

Taking a deep breath, Nepeta shook her head and unravelled from the position she had knotted herself into; slowly, she got to her feet, “I’m really okay. I just need a minute.”

“Are you sure?” She could make out the wobbly outline of Dirk through her tear-filled eyes.

She nodded and forced a smile, “Yeah, just give me a sec.”

Thankfully, the others took her at her word and cleared off. She watched as Terezi, looking more distressed than excited now, climbed up on to the top of the climbing frame and swung so that she could hang upside down. Her shirt fell down and revealed her obnoxiously red bra but Nepeta was fairly sure she didn’t care. That made her laugh a little and she felt revealed. Maybe everything wasn’t as terrible as she thought? It had been a long time since she’d last been here and it could’ve just been a temporary blip she’d experienced; she realised she didn’t feel as panicked as usual, though she thought the alcohol was probably the reason. Maybe that’s why people end up being alcoholics- it numbs the pain. 

She got to work clearing the barrier that prevented her from entering the park. Nepeta knew she was meant to tell somebody if the rituals came on this strong again and she made a note to bring it up when her mom came to pick her up later. It took her a little while until she was able to actually enter the park and she was grateful that nobody here thought she was some kind of freak for what she was doing.

When she entered the park, she ran at once to the swings. 

“You good?” Dirk was sitting on one of them, peering at her through his shades. 

She realised that his sunglasses were there to protect him, just like her parka was there to protect her. Speaking of which, her parka was really starting to stick to her in the heat. 

She nodded, “I think so,” She sat on the other swing and pulled it back, letting go so she swung forward quickly, “You must think I’m such a loser.”

“Actually, I think you’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met,” Dirk admitted.

Nepeta grinned at him. 

Kicking her legs out, she swung higher and higher. She remembered when she was little and people used to whisper that if you swung high enough on the swings, you could go all the way around. Even though she was in high school now- well, the homeschool version- Nepeta still had no idea if that was even possible. She didn't want to find out. She went so fast that the world around her blurs except when she was at the highest possible point. When she felt like she was on top of the world, she leapt off the swing and went flying through the air. Everything in her body seemed to rush up to meet the sky for just a moment and then, she fell to the ground. 

She landed on her feet. Cats always do.


End file.
